Crazy Scribe

Mudslinging could become a sporting event in Commonwealth Games 2010
The Chairman of the 2010 Commonwealth Games Organizing Committee Suresh Kalmadi has announced that “mudslinging” will be a new addition to the Commonwealth Games that might be organized next year in Delhi. Kalmadi, along with colleague Lalit Bhanot, who is secretary general of the 2010 Commonwealth Games, was also kind enough to demonstrate a sample game of mudslinging to the journalists. But the plan may hit a roadblock as Commonwealth Games Federation is yet to approve the decision.“We will need these big piles of mud. It will be fun. bada mazaa aayega!”
Reports say that the biggest roadblock is the fact that there doesn’t seem to be a set format of the mudslinging game. Although the game has been played quite frequently in India in the public domain, nobody is quite sure about the rules of the game, except for the fact that it involves two groups slinging mud at each other.In fact even during the demonstration, a lot of questions remained unanswered, especially about the composition of the participating teams, because while Kalmadi and Bhanot paired up as a doubles team, their rival Mike Hooper, the CEO of Commonwealth Games Federation, was playing all by himself.“I know you guys would have a lot of questions, but there is still one year to go before the games start. We are working towards it and in due course we will make sure that mudslinging becomes an accepted game. You will see a lot of mudslinging in the coming weeks and the rules of the games will automatically get written.” Suresh Kalmadi expressed confidence.
Mr. Kalmandi also informed that he would be meeting Mike Fennell, the President of the Commonwealth Games Federation, later this month and would invite him to take part in the mudslinging. In case Mike Fennell insists upon disallowing mudslinging, Kalmadi has a plan ready.“He can’t do that. It’s a matter of our national pride. If Fennell does that (reject mudslinging) we’d start a campaign in India against the Commonwealth Games and make sure that each Indian realizes how our national pride was trampled upon. But I sincerely believe that mudslinging will get the recognition it deserves.” Kalmadi explained his foolproof plans.


Sheila and Kumar go to Supreme Court over civic manners
The campaign to teach manners to Delhi residents ahead of the Commonwealth Games seems to have run into rough weather with the “Kumars” of Delhi filing a petition in the Supreme Court against the Delhi government for showing them in bad light. The Delhi government had recently announced a campaign called “Thu Thu Kumar, Su Su Kumar or Poly auntie?” to discourage people from making the city dirty.The concerned campaign was designed to shame, and hence reform, people who are seen spitting, urinating, and littering in public. The campaign included catchy slogans like, “Thu Thu Kumar na bane (Don’t spit in public)” and similarly for people urinating (Su Su Kumar) and littering (Poly Auntie) in public. But the “Kumars” have come out in strong protest against the campaign. They claim that the campaign has hurt their sentiments.Kumars insist that the man in the picture is not necessary a Kumar
“How can you insult all Kumars like this? Everyone urinates or spits in the public places in Delhi, so why single out the Kumars? Why didn’t the Delhi government think of some other name like, Thu Thu Dixit na bane, or Su Su Gandhi na bane. It’s just too embarrassing for us. We will take this fight to court and pressurize Delhi government into stopping this slander.” S Kumar, one of the aggrieved Kumars said. Kumars claims that their community has always brought fame to the nation and they didn’t expect such treatment in return from the government. They cited Hollywood movies like “Harold and Kumar” to buttress their point. A mahapanchayat of Kumars too have been called by a retired Lieutenant Bhainsla Kumar, who served in Indian army in 1970’s.“We are a peace loving community, but nobody can hurt our sentiments just like that. We are requesting the Sheila government to stop the campaign within two weeks and apologize to our community. If they fail to do it, all the Kumars will be forced to spit and urinate all around Delhi, especially at Commonwealth Games sites.” Lt. Bhainsla Kumar announced the non-cooperation movement.

Hundreds suffer losses in Delhi as they try to learn manners
Home Minister P Chidambaram’s advice to Delhiites to learn manners and behave in a way that suits residents of a “big, good international city” was taken seriously by many Delhiites but they ended up getting frustrated and fooled. Most of these people are now angry with the Home Minister and wants him to think twice before he speaks, with a few demanding compensation for the losses they had to incur after heeding to his advice.“I applied brakes and slowed down my car as soon as the green light turned yellow, and wow, my car was smashed hard by this sedan behind me whose driver had applied accelerator to escape the red light. Before I could say something the driver started shouting at me for driving the car as a donkey and was joined by others behind him. What was Chidambaram thinking?” Subhash Malik, a Delhi resident said.Subhash was still fortunate when compared with Sandeep Singh, the DTC bus conductor, who was beaten black and blue by a group of college going youth when he told them not to get into the bus as it was already full to capacity. The assailants also took away all the money and bus tickets that was with Sandeep at the time of the attack. Sandeep has been admitted to hospital with various injuries.“I had seen some dubbed English movies and they never show any overcrowded buses. I thought Chidambaram sahib would like to see those kinds of buses during commonwealth games so I tried my bit. They bit me on my nose too when I told them that dilli ki naak mat katwao (don’t be a shame for Delhi).” Sandeep recounted his horror.There were several unfortunate souls with similar stories, who had to suffer in one way or the other as they tried to behave like a citizen of a big, good international city. A woman fell down and suffered minor fractures as she tried to avoid crossing the road during traffic and instead used the foot-over bridge, which apparently had unkempt slippery stairs.The government has expressed grief and concern over these incidents and has cautioned the citizens that if they didn’t learn to behave in time, the commonwealth games could be postponed or shifted out of the country. Commonwealth Games Federation head Michael Fennell had already expressed his displeasure at Delhi’s readiness to host the games, and the government thinks that such incidents could aggravate the fears that Delhi was not ready.Bogus News too urges the responsible citizens of Delhi to behave properly as Commonwealth Games must happen on time.




Amar Singh to start second innings in Bollywood
Even though Samajwadi Party chief Mulayam Singh Yadav has tried to downplay the resignation of Amar Singh and is hopeful of his return to the fold, Faking News has learned that the 53-year-old high profile leader has not only left Samajwadi Party, he has left politics for good and not joining any other political party. And guess what, the socialite-politician is ready to start his second innings in Bollywood.
“Yes, I am starring in the sequel to Paa, titled Paa-Do.” said a jubilant Mr. Amar Singh, ending all speculations over his future career and sequel to Paa. Candid as always, he admitted that he was pretty frustrated with his political career. “I do not think that with my failing health I can catch up with Mayawati or Madhu Koda, and I want to be second to none. Even Shibu Soren seems to be getting ahead now.” he woefully added.
Upon being quizzed further, Mr. Singh revealed that Paa-Do will be based on a story he himself penned during his illness. It will star Mr. Singh as a kid with a rare disease, but not Progeria. Singh will be suffering from fecal incontinence, which is the loss of regular control of the bowels.

Amar Singh gives a facial expression as an actor
“It’s a very challenging role, but my political career has trained me perfectly for it. I will fit to the T playing this complex character.” a visibly proud Mr. Singh said. “The movie will be a visual treat (sic.) for all the viewers, and in a way will also showcase my political achievements till date.” he further added.
Questions as to how exactly his achievements will be showcased were greeted with a sly smile, “that is for the viewers to discover after they watch the movie.” Mr Singh said. On being quizzed if any other politicians were being roped in for the movie, Mr. Singh was furious. “Isn’t one enough?” he angrily retorted.
The movie will also star Rakhi Sawant in the pivotal role of the mother of the child that doesn’t have a hold on his bowels. “I have seen Rakhi in both Rakhi ka Swayamvar and Pati, Patni aur Woh; she is phenomenal.”
A question as to whether Rakhi will also feature in an item song in the movie was however ignored by Mr. Singh. He also said that producers were still looking for an actor to play his dad’s role in the movie. “It is not an easy role, that of the child’s father. The actor will have to share screen space with both me and Rakhi, no easy feat that will be”, he added.
Upon being asked what role would the venerable Big-B play in the sequel, Mr. Singh said, “Mr Bachchan visited me many times while I was undergoing treatment in Singapore, and that’s when it struck me that in the never-seen-before role of a male nurse, Mr. Bachchan could wow audiences around the world. And that’s what he will play in Paa-do, be my nurse”.
The Bachchan family was unavailable for comments. The senior Bachchan is expected to soon blog about this exciting new development. Given the phenomenal success of Paa, one can only hope that Paa-Do isn’t merely a whiff of hot air.
After accused of promoting ragging, copying other’s creative work and dumbing down of higher education, 3 Idiots team is now being accused of promoting farting in public. An NGO has moved a petition against the producers and actors for making one of the key characters of the movie – Chatur Ramalingam aka Silencer – fart many times in the movie and even read a shloka praising his farting abilities.
“It was disgusting to see a movie that glorified farting. Everyone in the multiplex was laughing like a donkey when Chatur was delivering the fart speech. This can’t be tolerated. All is not well with this senseless movie.” Hawa Ram, spokesperson of the NGO called IAF (Indians Against Farting) said, especially accusing Aamir Khan of conspiring to make India a fart-friendly nation by deceit.

IAF members believe that these guys are sitting on a chair called Silencer, which suppresses the sound of farting
In the movie, Rancho, the character played by Aamir Khan, pens some Sanskrit sounding verse that was actually a phonetic adaptation of various kinds of farting. The verse is read out by Chatur on Teacher’s Day as a part of welcome speech. IAF members believe that not only in the movie, Aamir Khan is conspiring even in the real world.
“Aamir Khan is the main culprit. He projects himself as a serious person but has been silently working to turn India into a fart nation. You remember Taare Zameen Par? In that movie, he promoted that child actor Darsheel Safary, who is now playing Padduram – a farting child. What nonsense!” Hawa Ram hinted at the conspiracy, citing the second movie of Darsheel rumored to be released sometime this year.
When the question was put to Vidhu Vinod Chopra, the producer of 3 Idiots, he told our reporter to shut up. Our reporter went silent and then farted loudly, after which Vidhu apologized for his misconduct. Later on, Vidhu revealed that the story of 3 Idiots was based on Chetan Bhagat’s novel Five Point Someone, and hence all such accusations and litigations should be directed at Chetan.
When contacted, Chetan Bhagat said that the issue was over from his side and he has moved on.
IAF has accused both Chetan Bhagat and the 3 Idiots team to have colluded to divert the attention from the real issue.
In a move aimed to make movie watching experience better for thousands of cine goers, the leading multiplex cinema chain PVR Cinemas has announced providing child silencers to people taking their kids along with them to U/A rated movies. The silencers would be provided free on demand in the first couple of months, but it would be made compulsory or discontinued thereafter based upon the feedback from people.
Child silencers have been specifically designed by 21-year-old Raju Rastogi, a final year Mechanical Engineering student at IIT Bombay, who thought about it while watching 3 Idiots. Raju’s hairs (on his head) were pulled by a 3-year-old kid let loose by his parents in the back row of the PVR Juhu. When Raju looked back at the kid angrily, the kid started howling. Raju and his friends couldn’t hear the dialogues of the movie clearly for next 15 minutes.

A child wearing silencer before entering the movie hall
“I wanted to throw the kid on the screen. Not only had he cried for those 15 minutes, for the rest of the movie he and his ugly fat mother kept on discussing some nonsense like yellow cats and blue rats. I so badly wanted to put a tape on the lips of both the mother and the kid.” Raju recounted his horrors that pushed him to think of innovation, research and development; things expected from an IIT student.
Raju came back to his hostel room and thought hard over it. Initially he thought to make a device that could put the kids on vibration mode like mobiles, but he dumped the idea as it could have caused resonance with multiple kids in the multiplex and could have brought down the multiplex killing thousands of people. Being a Mechanical Engineer, he fell back upon combustion engines and decided to make a child silencer.
The child silencer would allow the kid to see everything around him/her but would mute his/her voice. There would be earphones coming out of the silencer, which would be required to be plugged in the ears of the parents or guardians accompanying the child, so that they can heed to some emergency demands of the kids like peeing.
“Child silencer seemed a safe idea and I instantly started working on the design the same night. It took me just eight days and I was ready with a prototype. I applied for a patent and at the same time I approached PVR for its commercialization.” Raju told Faking News.
PVR authorities were initially reluctant to try the idea even though they agreed that kids continued to be a nuisance for cine goers apart from people talking loudly on mobiles. After a lot of deliberations and negotiations with Raju, finally PVR managers decided to put the idea on probation for the first two months.
“We were aware of this problem and internally we have been discussing ways to address it. Initially we had thought of providing free candies to children with marijuana or tequila mixed in it, but our lawyers informed that it could amount to illegal business practice. Raju came with his prototype at just the right moment.” PVR Cinemas Chairman Ajay Bijli said.
At the time of filing this report, silencers had been provided for all the movies released today till the matinee show. Initial reports suggested that most people had welcomed the idea.
Domestic Maya Calendar found predicting doomsday in 2012

A team of archeologists, historians and scientists have found an encrypted Indian Maya calendar. Experts differ on the exact interpretation of the calendar, but it seems to be about Uttar Pradesh in particular. There are talks of Maya and Doomsday but people are not sure what does it mean.

Bogus News in-house archeologists and artists have decoded the calendar into a simplified version for the readers.
Australia denies racism, accuses Kangaroos of attacking Indians
Australian authorities continue to come out with weird statements amid outrage in India over deadly attacks on the Indian students down under. Authorities have now claimed that the attacks were the handiwork of some kangaroos, and hence, not racial in nature. Authorities suspect that either one big burly Kangaroo or a group of rowdy Kangaroos were behind the attacks. They have also released picture of a suspect Kangaroo.
“Our stand has been vindicated. These attacks were not at all racial, as the paranoid Indian media have been suggesting. The attackers belong to a different species altogether. We will thoroughly investigate the issue and try to arrest these Kangaroos soon. I hope Indians will stop creating hysteria now.” Melbourne Police Chief Mr. Down Right Rood informed in a packed press conference.
The police and authorities had tough time explaining the rowdy-Kangaroo-theory as none of the victims had claimed that the attackers were of bestial appearance. Last year, one of the videos clearly showed a group of human looking Australians attacking an Indian in a train, but the authorities insist that the attackers were Kangaroos.

A Kangaroo preparing himself to attack Indian students, according to the Australian authorities
When asked why the Kangaroos were attacking Indians only, Mr. Rood said, “Indians are not new to being attacked by animals. It has happened in cities like Delhi and Mumbai. Did not a monkey called Monkeyman attack Indians a few years back? My research department informs me that Indians worship cows so that they don’t attack them at will. Indians must introspect why they are always at the receiving end. We will fully cooperate with the introspection.”
Faking News has learned that a few researchers had also suggested that the suspected attacker Kangaroo and the Monkeyman could be blood related. Researchers believe that the British government, which ruled over both India and Australia at one time, might have dumped the Kangaroo into Australia for being too criminal and violent, as was the norm in those days. But the authorities have chosen to ignore these findings.
While the claims of Melbourne police and authorities were dismissed by many Indians outrightly, some groups suggested that they should wait till the investigations were over before concluding anything. A few Indians have been petrified over the possibility of existence of self-transforming Kangaroos that transform into human beings before attacking Indians.
“This is crazy! The government must tell us how to differentiate between those who appear as human beings and those who are actually human beings in Australia.” Rahul Sheth, an Indian living in Australia expressed his concerns.
Although the ploy of the authorities to work around the racism charges might seem to be working, there is some bad news for them. Some groups a suspect a racial bias in the whole case as the authorities chose to point fingers at an aboriginal animal over other animals. Australian jails already have over representation of aborigines, and now an aborigine animal waits to join them.
An apple, which was dropped from the highest tip of Burj Dubai (Dubai Tower) to double-check Newton’s laws of motion and Gravitation, has disappeared and has been untraceable since it was dropped by His Highness Sheikh Mohammad Bin Rashid Al Maktoum. The decision to drop the apple was taken after various Arab and European scholars disputed the validity of Newton’s findings, especially the theory of gravitation.
Apart from the theory of gravitation, the apple was also supposed to validate Newton’s laws of motion, especially the second law. The exact height of the Burj Tower, which remains a mystery till date, was to be ascertained using one of the equations of motion (h=½.g.t^2) based on the second law. And if the result were to agree with the official version on the height of the tower, Newton’s laws would have been officially recognized in the richest emirate.

The Lost Apple
“His Highness took a bold and modern step but somehow the apple never reached the ground. It’s an unfortunate and serious development and raises questions over Newton’s laws and theories. It’s incumbent upon the Newtonian scientists now to prove that the laws are still valid.” leading scholar Zakir Bin Zaid said.
While the moderate scholars like Zakir Bin Zaid term the development as ‘unfortunate’, a few of the hardliners have declared the whole act of dropping an apple as ‘infidel’ and have asked Sheikh Mohammad to apologize.
“Apple is the forbidden fruit and I wonder what Sheikh was doing with it on the rooftop of a tower.” said Maulana Zawahiri, who has now joined Taliban after renouncing his UAE citizenship five years back, from some unknown and unbombed part of Pakistan, adding, “There is nothing to validate, we always knew that Newton’s laws were wrong; if every action had equal and opposite reaction, bombs should have imploded back after exploding.”
Meanwhile a massive manhunt has been launched to locate and recover the missing apple. Various theories have been put forward regarding the disappearance of the apple. Many people believe that the laborers from India and Pakistan might have stolen the apple mid-air as they get only one roti and a bowl of daal to eat on normal days.
“They might have thought that Sheikh was rewarding them for their hard work with an apple. Thousands of laborers were used to build Burj Dubai and one lucky person might have grabbed the apple as it fell, and fled away with it so that the other laborers don’t demand their share.” Habib Hussain of Moradabad, who had run back to India hiding in a toilet of an Air India flight, said.
Journalists debate what news to make out of assorted pictures of sexy girls
With about a dozen pictures of women in skimpy clothes and sexy poses on the desk, a group of young and dynamic journalists debated over an hour the various news stories that could accompany the pictures for tomorrow’s edition of Hilly Times. The debate was still on till the reports last came in, but the group of journalists had shortlisted three possible news stories for the final decision.
“See, all of them are wearing blue swimsuits, we can write a trend story on how blue is going to be the color this winter, we can also use stills from the Blue movie.” proposed Kimmi, the 21-year-old expert on fashion news wearing a deep V neck T-shirt, adding to the spirited discussion among her colleagues who thought it was a brilliant idea worth exploring.

Such pictures inspired the journalists to think over various issues for discussion
Buoyed by the marvel at her suggestion, Kimmi jumped over from her chair to sit on the desk, just close to the pictures of the sexy girls, and proceeded to buttress her point to four of her co-workers, who had huddled around her chair in the cubicle. “Maybe we can mention the blue color of Manmohan Singh’s turban too as a fashion statement by our Prime Minister?” Kimmi shrugged her arms to a bunch of thoughtful journalists, who then came up with names of other possible blue celebrities for discussion.
“Can’t we somehow link these pictures to AIDS, it was World AIDS Day yesterday, and twitter is still red, something around that?” heads nodded in appreciation as 27-year-old Bikas pitched in with his idea, changing the topic from blue to red, though Kimmi frowned and thought it didn’t make any sense. “You sure people would read that?” Kimmi expressed her apprehensions to which Bikas said, “Of course!”
Various other colors were discussed and rejected in the course of next half an hour before someone suggested taking out three of the best pictures from the lot and making a poster on the lines of Amir Khan’s upcoming movie 3 Idiots. “We can use the text from what was given to us by that shoddy PR agency that has been bugging us for an article for a month now. The graphic artists will make the poster, and we can have a walk down, it’s a beautiful day out there.” suggested Anand, 25, with an impish look and tone, setting off girly giggles from everyone.
At the time of filing this report, the group of young and dynamic journalists had shot a mail to their editor to finalize one of the ideas and continued discussing various other stuffs around the pictures as the editor was momentarily out of his office for the last three hours. The group also discussed plans for the party next week to celebrate the rocketing readership of Hilly Times.
Great Indian Sex Survey by BogusNews
Like a responsible media unit taking care of public ‘interest’, BogusNews too has come up with a sex survey revealing the most secret and sensuous details of sex lives of the Indians. The survey has thrown many surprises and has helped understand the innermost desires of the Indian men and women. We bring to you some of the highlights and findings of The Great Indian Sex Survey.
• Contrary to the popular belief, there were no major differences between Hindu and Muslim ways of sex.
• The rich Indians valued sex highly, the poor thought it cheap.
• On an average this year, a married Indian couple had indulged in sex five times a week, two times out of which was with the consent of the wife. Trend was not too different even in the case of unmarried couples.
• Indian male was still stuck up with the number 362436 – that was the average number of times in a year when he thought about having sex with a female, mostly of the human species.
• Young Indians had no qualms establishing physical relationships with the opposite sex without any plans of getting married. They thought it no different than renting and living in an apartment without any plans of buying it.
• For sex related problems, most of the men still relied on Hashmi Dawakhana (Amroha), Sablok Clinic (Delhi) or Japani Tel (Japanese oil); rest of them denied having any problem whatsoever.
• Many Indian men thought that foreplay was a new rule introduced in the 20-20 cricket matches by ICC.
• Some men admitted popping in Viagra to improve performance, women thought it crazy to swallow.
• Young men found porn movies informative, young women found them weird and even funny at times.
• Many young women wondered why their boyfriends insisted on not taking off their stockings or footwear during sex.
• Indian women were still very secretive about oral sex, very few of them opened their mouth.
• Women continued to fake orgasms, and men sizes.
• It was found out that while in the western countries a man kissing the breasts was taken as a mark of respect by the woman, the Indian woman desired to be kissed on their asses to be conveyed that respect.
• The average duration of sexual intercourse was unknown, but everyone, especially the husband, claimed it to be higher than their neighbors.
• Many more couples were talking sex than before, but not amongst themselves.
• The favorite place by couples to have sex continued to be the bedroom, but the fantasy choices were varied – Parliament, Pakistan, Qutub Minar, on a boat, and on a railway berth – in that order.
• Gay sex had jumped 231445% from last year. Homosexuals were also seen as the most eager to take part in more of such surveys.
• Around 69% of the wives suspected their husbands of having an extra marital affair. 99% of the husbands suspected their wives of not trusting them enough.
• Cheating husbands were confident that their wives would forgive them for adultery as they didn’t have a choice.
• Cheating husbands were confident that their wives could not indulge in adultery as they didn’t have a choice.
• One night stands grew by over 78% over last year, mostly paid.
(The above survey was carried out in thirteen major cities in India and a total of 539 respondents were interviewed, out of which 289 were men and rest were women. 129 married couples were interviewed out of which… Do you really care about such statistics in such surveys?)
The whole nation was shell-shocked when Amar Sabbhulkar, a 26-year-old unemployed youth, forgot that it was first anniversary of the Mumbai terror attacks on Thursday. This despite the fact that all the news channels of India were relentlessly trying to remind everyone that Mumbai was attacked and hundreds of innocent people were killed exactly a year back. Amar’s atrocious amnesia came to the fore when he appeared live on ABS News.
“What are we discussing here? Why have you called these models and actresses? And you just played that music video, why? I’m sorry I’m completely at loss and I can’t think straight. Are we discussing some film that is going to be released tomorrow? What is that ‘lest we forget’ stuff at the backstage? What are we forgetting here? Please help me, I can’t recall anything.” Amar appeared totally baffled and scatterbrained in the middle of the ABS (Always Breaking Some) News’ Live show called “Mumbai has won”.

Taj Hotel was put on fire again and again on television screens lest people forgot 26/11
Sakar Sharma, the ABS newsreader who was anchoring the show, screamed as soon as Amar expressed his failure to recall the 26/11 events. “Irresponsible people like Amar are letting us down!” Sakar pronounced with his index finger pointing towards the sky and his burning eyes looking straight into the camera, before he directly addressed Amar by pointing the finger at him, “Can’t you recall how our countrymen were butchered like lambs a year back. How can you forget Amar? We had showed all those stuff Live and Exclusive! Can you recall now?”
Amar couldn’t recall a stuff as an offended nation watched him blabbering live on television. Finally Sakar had to announce a commercial break after his repeated attempts to make Amar recall the events of 26/11 failed flat. During the break Amar was taken away from the live show and handed over to his friends. “Mumbai has won” resumed after this minor hiccup with all the guests vivid with their memories and demanding some sort of action to be taken against the problems.
“I don’t know what happened to him suddenly. He has a good memory and he remembered everything till yesterday. And tell me, how can you forget the events of 26/11? You forget something only when there is some change or considerable time has elapsed. There hardly has been any change on any front and it’s just been a year.” Amar’s friend Sameer told Faking News as he took away Amar from the venue of “Mumbai has won”.
Amar was later taken to a hospital. He is apparently the only Indian being treated for such sort of amnesia, as the rest of the India thinks they have not forgotten anything.